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So, the word on the street is that President Bush doesn't care about black
people. I think this was an incredibly insensitive statement. It was especially
hurtful to the hundreds of millions of other people the President doesn't
care about...
* * * *
Recently, Oprah shanghaied a group of B-List celebrities and brought her
Team Angel Relief bus down to New Orleans to help out with the
relief effort. Due to my close personal relationship with Oprah, I have
some exclusive stories from her trip.
One of these celebrities she took with her was Matthew McConaughey.
McConaughey is best known for playing his bongos naked, and not being
Matthew Modine. McConaughey said, "I understand the suffering these people
are going through. On the set of my movie, "Sahara," I had to listen to
Penelope Cruz go on and on about her milky vaginal discharge. Although with
that accent it did sound kind of sexy. Plus, this one time on Celebrity
Fear Factor, I had to eat a bug."
Another one of the celebrities Oprah brought along was Lisa Ling. Ling
topped People magazine's 50 most consistently annoying people on the planet
list for the second year in a row. Ling dazzled the local officials with
hard hitting questions like "Hey, where did all this water come from?",
"What happened to Old Orleans?", and "Can you recommend a good place for
brunch?" Ling proved to be a big hit with the refugees when she and
McConaughey did an impromptu rendition of the dirty Vietnamese hooker scene
from his last hit "Full Metal Jacket".
Chris Rock helped to staff a food bank in Houston. He was almost beaten to
death with a brick of cheese shortly after starting his usually popular, "I
love black people, but I hate niggers" routine. Afterwards, several men in
the crowd "reassigned" him from handing out sandwiches, and instead put him
in charge of tossing their salads.
Oprah Winfrey went down to the devastated area accompanied by truckloads of
food. The evacuees were devastated to learn that the trucks merely
contained Oprah's breakfast.
At one point, Oprah tried to show solidarity with the refugees by sticking
one of her enormous sausage legs into the flooded street. Water levels
instantly rose 3 feet across New Orleans. Fortunately for everyone
concerned, Stedman was able to coax her back into her bus by leaving a
drippy trail of nachos up the stairs.
There have been many significant pledges. Diddy and Jay-Z jointly pledged 1
million dollars. Not to be outdone by black people, the exceptionally white
Nicolas Cage and Celine Dion both pledged a million dollars a piece. But
the most appreciated pledge so far came from local hero Harry Connick Jr.,
who has pledged to give up any more attempts at acting.
When pharmaceuticals were in short supply, Courtney Love donated the
contents of her purse. It proved to be enough to keep all of the hospitals
going for another week. "If that's not enough," she said, "There is a condom
full of heroin lodged in my colon."
People have made a lot of noise about my hero Sean Penn. They say that his
visit to New Orleans was nothing but a publicity stunt. Penn has been
widely criticized for coming to New Orleans with a personal photographer and
a leaky boat. Critics say that he's an arrogant, egomaniacal,
self-righteous douchebag. When in actuality, Penn claims his visit was
research for a new movie role. In the film, Penn plays an arrogant,
egomaniacal, self-righteous douchebag.
As a final gesture, Oprah donated a pair of panties that was quickly cut up
to provide blankets for over 10,000 evacuees. The mayor of New Orleans was
slightly incensed by the donation. "I asked her if we could just borrow one
of her old diaphragms and she refused." he said. "Now I don't know what
we'll do until we can get a new roof on the Superdome."
[The End is Near? Actually, it's right here!]
Pop star Mariah Carey is to perform on Michael Jackson's charity single for
the victims of Hurricane Katrina, his spokeswoman announced on Monday. The
single, tentatively titled, "I Like To Cum in a Little Boy's Asshole (The
Hurricane Song)" is expected to be released next month. Carey said, "I like
working with Michael, because next to him, I don't seem so bat shit crazy."
Carey then removed her blouse, jammed the microphone up her c*nt, and
fellated her dog Scamp.
Success & Happiness
XIII.
September 15 2005, 10:24:35 UTC 6 years ago
i really shouldn't read your posts at work. i'm laughing like a little bitch here.
*tags you for the next round of awesome postage*
G
September 18 2005, 23:14:12 UTC 6 years ago
Hey can you bench press me next?
September 20 2005, 01:33:09 UTC 6 years ago
bench press you?
'spose it'll be a good warm up ;)